He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
