I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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