I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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