I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
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