i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
