Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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