Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
