Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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