hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
