I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
