Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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