how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
