meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I faked an abortion last night.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize