I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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