Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
