I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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