Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
