the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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