conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
