I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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