I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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