last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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