we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
