Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
