Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Randomize
