Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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