Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
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