I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize