If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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