im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Randomize