i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
