saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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