I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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