And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
