Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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