god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
