and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
