Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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