just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
