My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize