Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
