last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
