we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
im holly from the hills drunk
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
The beer is more important than you right now.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
