I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize