What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
