So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
