i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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