my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
