in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
