Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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