If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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