Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
