I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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