Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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