I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
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