So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
