The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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