i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
The beer is more important than you right now.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Randomize
