I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
