I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
