Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
