highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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