just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Found the puke drawer
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
