this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
