I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
