Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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