dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Randomize
