Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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