i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
