I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
