Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Randomize