I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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