She is in my trunk
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
