So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
