you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
